I need to level with you. You might not like this post because I plan on bursting a great big bubble today. But hang on, because if you dread getting up to go to work in the morning this could be the “one thing” that changes everything for you.
I have a long history of “following my heart” and then paying the consequences later. For this reason, I believe it has taken me longer than most to develop the internal fortitude necessary to live a productive and fulfilled life. Over the years, I have definitely consumed the “follow your passion” Kool-Aid. Here’s an example. When I first started college in the mid-1990’s I dropped out of three schools in a row. I had a 1.5 GPA. How does one acquire a magnificent GPA of 1.5, you ask? It’s simple. Register for five courses. Attend said courses for about three weeks. Decide that those courses are “not my passion” or “not what I want to do with the rest of my life” and stop going to class. Instead of digging in to get through the semester or simply withdrawing early with relatively little consequence, remain registered, earning five F’s. Then do it again… Then do it once more.
This is not a recipe for success, my friends.
It wasn’t until I became a parent a decade later that something in my mindset profoundly shifted. Suddenly, ready or not, I was categorically forced from “child” to “parent”. Everything wasn’t about me anymore. Now I was RESPONSIBLE, and the fruit of my labor was centered on other people. It seems that simply the mere recognition of that fact changed everything. I decided to go back to school and I haven’t received anything but an “A” since. Getting an education was no longer a matter of “following my bliss” but a very practical solution designed to support my fledgling family.
It’s said that at breakfast the chicken is involved, but the pig is totally committed.
There is something magical that happens when we take ownership of our responsibilities; when we decide that the buck stops with us and we know that we are squarely responsible for the outcomes. We must act, not to indulge our own fickle interests or build castles in the air, but instead to meet a commitment. That fact fuels us and motivates us to complete the tasks required of us, no matter how dreary or difficult. The secret sauce is a shift from self-focused thinking to a mindset that involves living up to our responsibilities.
So what does this have to do with work-life balance?
I would wager that many of us are dissatisfied with our jobs. If you feel this way, then statistically you are in the company of about 85% of North Americans who also wish they were elsewhere. Those of us in the helping professions are no different. Here is the problem though- that painful dissatisfaction leads to poor work performance, task avoidance, and a lack of ownership when it comes to our present position. In turn, weak performance makes us feel incompetent, guilty, and stuck. On top of that, our workplace disdain can lead to a great deal of last-minute insanity as we struggle to meet deadlines. Vocational malaise sometimes causes us to take on many other life-projects in an attempt to cover the pain of unfulfilled passion. We might also self-medicate with a host of habits and addictions. The ironic result is a messed up and stressful life.
So what’s the solution? How do we change this kind of insane and mucky state?
It all boils down to a single decision. Just one little shift can change everything. Are you ready?
Park your passion and pursue performance.
Wow, that was a cheesy line. But the concept is sound. Stop thinking about your job as a vehicle for fulfillment, because it’s not. I’m sorry, it just can’t be. In fact, no job is- that’s just a fantasy in our heads. Think about every relationship you’ve ever placed your hopes in. If I just find “the one” right person for me I will be fulfilled. We know that’s simply not true. What about other goals? If I just lose 35 pounds. If I just had my own home. If I just finished my degree or went travelling or bought those shoes or had a million dollars or….whatever. Lies. In the happiness game, externals count for very little. Fulfillment is strictly an inside job and it must be internally cultivated.
Let’s take a peek at the second half of my dorky line: pursue performance. What if instead of thinking about our job as place to make our dreams come true, we thought of it as a training ground for increasing our professional powers and capacities? What if we decided, regardless of the position we hold, “I am going to develop myself into the best __________ that I can be.” In my heart of hearts, I get the most upset and depressed not when bad stuff happens to me, but when I realize that I am doing a mediocre or even crappy job. When I know that I am not living up to my potential I get really bummed out. On the flip side, few things in life stoke my fire more than developing my competence and simply getting better. The bliss just follows.
I know that many of you suspect that you don’t really fall into this category. You are already focused on hard work and have been juggling many responsibilities for years. For you, work performance has never been an issue. Nonetheless, you may have felt that in spite of your efforts you continue to suffer from an existential malaise or feel trapped in your job. If this is your situation I would ask, “If I am truly stuck here for now, would my heart be better served by surrendering to that fact?” In other words, radical acceptance of your situation could be the most effective way of reducing your sense of suffering. But back to us dreamers caught in our existential angst….
Erich Fromm said that people learn to love the things that life demands of them (even the really hard things). In other words, when you persist with the hated requirements of your life, your brain will grow to tolerate those things over time, and eventually begin to appreciate those things. This is partly a matter of accepting the hard work of growth. Of doing the work. Overcoming is so much more powerful than avoiding, from a mental health perspective.
Think about the things that you are most proud of. Were they not all borne out of hardship or struggle? Think about the things you’ve gotten good at- did they not all at some point require you to dig down and do the work? Even little things. What about arriving home to a messy house after Christmas? The easy choice is to decide to take the kids to the mall for dinner so you don’t have to look at your war-torn kitchen. But does that result in an improved internal state? Hardly. You know that rolling up your sleeves and cleaning that place from top to bottom is the only thing that will truly make you feel better. We feel better because our brains are smart. They know when we are cheating and when we are overcoming. The same holds true for the assessments that need to be completed to work. Nothing is better for our emotional state at the end of the day that simply getting the work done. This is an entirely internal process.
My messy school troubles happened because I believed a lie. I was told that if I just “pursued my dreams” and “followed my bliss” that my motivation would follow. School would be virtually effortless because I would be living my passion. And yet as I reflect, this just isn’t true. Most of what I am proud of about myself happened because I chose to take ownership and do the hard work- even when it was tough and especially when it didn’t involve indulging my own dreams. It’s paradoxical, I know. When I find myself hating life and feeling overwhelmed, it is almost always because on some level I have demanded that my job or school (or family or friends) fulfill my needs in a way they weren’t designed to.
Feeling proud of yourself because you truly stood in the gap and overcame? Now that’s bliss.